red, white and blue

Calor. Heat. Hitze. Just passed the Cancer New Moon at the height of summer. Went to a midsummer nightdream party over the weekend. Wore a fabulous short red velvet spaghetti strap dress. Braless. And tolerable black high heeled sandals. Even though they made my feet feel like blocks of stone on the dancefloor. But the breasts hung around freely. It felt good. A salute to Twentieth Century Feminism! And a nod of honor to Ancient Mothers and Grandmothers. "Always wear a bra! Even to sleep!" Warned my Mexican grandma, who had gorgeous breasts in her seventies. I totally undersand why female humans invented braziers. And I'm grateful every day. But oh does it feel liberating to let it all hang free sometimes.

Was in the mood for cold white wine. Had my gentle companion put in ice towards the end. According to my dad, white wine doesn't make you smell of alcohol. And if there's something he knows well, it's all matters "booze". Wine, liquor, beer and all things spiritus and demons. Father and I. We are a reflection to each other. One that is different though it appears to be the same. I had some sips of chilled white wine to cool the spirits. To lighten the mood. Or make it more grave. Take your pick! I know stuff because of all the stuff my dad knows. What I know is that the father line goes as far back as the mother line. 

Astrologer José Millán talked about Cancer in an interesting way in the context of all the transpersonal transformational energies facing the world, not least because of Pluto's final return to Capricorn before moving into Aquarius. Capricorn: father, social structures, institutions, working in the world, career, presenting outwardly etc. Cancer: mother, home, heritage, family, going within and being from within. He suggests to look at the inevitable changes (upheavals, revolutions, wars and the crumbling of sinstitutional society) not with fear. Cancerian energy invites to understand the family (in all its varied constellations) as a cell of society with timeless information. Eons of evolutionary intelligence with the ability to act as a force of renewal ever reinvigorating, reinventing and restructuring organisms from deep within. An inspirational driving force born out of individual collective intelligence. I do believe that this kind of timeless intelligence has enabled us strange human creatures to come thus far to begin with. I have faith that our cellular collective intelligence will renew the human organism to show up in the world not as fucking assholes but the loving beings that we were always meant to be. Why did we fuck up so bad all over time and space? God knows. This is a question for another time. For now, I am happy to revel in the holy inheritance of cellular intelligence that drives my organism with hope, dedication and courage into the ever changing transpersonal ocean of terrestrial destiny, as Cancer season closes out.

I have discovered assymetries and irregularities in my body that speak of weird old habits, afflictions and other things. Creating new customs through physical and spiritual retraining and refraiming is taking interesting turns. In a fascinating cylical fashion old patterns demand revisiting. Depression and foolishness rear their clownish faces. I laugh and cry. I despair and rejoice. Again and again. Yes, Buddha, rolling in pleasure and pain.

I lost a tampon that night. Let's face it, women have been putting "things" in their vaginas for eons. The physician mentioned that a patient once had lost a tampon while twerking pantylessly wearing a skirt. I had worn an undergament beaneath the red velvet dress.  And I hadn't twerked. Must have taken it out automatically when I went to pee, forgot about it and freaked out. My mother had Alzheimer's, I lamented to doctor and nurse. Ouch. Watch out for the symptoms, he advised. Yeah, like forgetting?! :@ 

Husband assured me that it was not Alzheimer's but wineheimer's. Remeber how you almost threw up in the front yard? No. Remember how you struggled getting up the stairs? No. Damnit. Sounds like Alzheimer's to me.

Years ago, after having birthed my second child, I was traumatized by a lost tampon. Suddenly a strong, awful smell. Gyno didn't take a look. Prescribed strong medicine, pills and a lotion, instead. Husband giving me eyes like "You bringin' home an STD (sexually transmitted disease)?" Dude, f*ck you. I wish I'd been... damnit. At least then all this theater would have been worth it. Eventually discovered the lost tampon myself while applying the salve three times daily. Had accidently pushed it in with another tampon. Forgotten about it. Doctor and nurse said it can happen sometimes. Glad I'm not the only woman out here with these problems.

Well, that I made it up the stairs almost alone is a good thing. The gentle man used to have to carry me all the way from the train station to the old Berliner apartment up three old flights of stairs. 

Another thing that coincided with the New Moon is the movement of the lunar nodes into the Aries (North) and Libra (South) Axis, where they will stay until January 2025. The last time the nodes were on this axis was from December 2004 to June 2006. 

"Welcome to the Carnival"
begun 2005, abandoned 2006

2005: Port-au-Prince, Haiti. Parents. Diplomacy. Internship. Choice for love. Seattle, US. Study of Fine Arts (Painting, Drawing, Dance). First home together. First yoga class.
Nexistentialism is born. First Nexistential Carnival publication @ Seattle Central Community College (SCCC) Women's Forum. Visits to Bruce Lee's grave, who I perceived as an inspirational thinker and artist. 

2006: Broken back (L5) from club dancing in red high heels on my 25th birthday. Goodbye Seattle. Hello Germany. Frankfurt am Main. Parents. Frankfurt an der Oder on the border with Poland. Europa Universität Viadrina to study Cultural Science (Master of Arts). Wohngemeinschaft (shared student living). Second and third home together. Hot, dry summer. German back surgery with flirty flower power surgeon ("If you sleep with the same woman twice, you're from the establishment.")

Checkpoint Now: Marriage (Libra), xy home together; pursruit of personal path (Aries), studying to teach yoga, training ballet (dance) and kung fu (martial arts) as well. Triverses. Maturing Nexistentialist. Still not sure what philosophy is. Wondering about the Gadfly of Athens (stirring up the town with philosophy) and the meanings of (eu)daemonia. Every once in a while there seems to be a teacher that passes knowledge directly to students, as opposed to, say, writing it down. But it gets written and interpreted anyway (i.e. the Bible and countless other arts). Just gotta be able to follow back the line to a moment of truth, regardless of where or how it occured. After all, the line is ongoing thus far. Except, it is not one line. It is the entretejido (interwoveness) of countless lines of interpretations. I made peace with Christianity and continue to study (South) Eastern Philosophy and Spirituality. In fact, I love the whole world of human perspectives, which despite their differences share so much. Anywhere on the globe. I love Jesus, and Buddha, too.

On the (Human) Art of Nature / Zur (Menschlichen) Kunst der Natur / Respecto al Arte (Humano) de la Naturaleza

Enamored with poetry, with art and
the creative expression of the terrestrial mind.
I die without writing.
Without lyricism, the world just is not.
Without music or movement, why even be?
I love art.
But what is it?
This question tears me up inside.
Who is Art?
A Goddess, or
merely a simple human being?

Sound coming from the smartphone distorted distinctly by the wind. Is the music that I'm hearing real? Or is it but a figment of human imagination? For, as a human being, one never dreams alone. Everything is something someone sometime somewhere imagined. Who imagined all this? A goddess or a god?
The cup was surely made thanks to the desire of people past dreaming while cupping their hands to hold water, berries or seeds. Dreaming of holding water, berries and seeds beyond their hands. Who put the cup on the Platonic shelf of concepts? A concept that continues to create countless forms for holding substances beyond cupping human hands. What goddess or god dreamt up the concept called *cup*? Dreamt up shelters that have taken humans beyond forests, trees and caves? Who first dreamt of the comfort of running water or deliciously seasoned food? Who yearned for cool in the heat and warmth in the cold? We all have, haven't we? Not unlike Nature herself with her rivers, hot springs, pools, fires and caves. Have we humans merely desired to be like Her and create our visions, our versions of waterflow, light, matter, heat, cold, birth, destruction, day and night? And who imagined water, fire, metal, wind, wood and stone? Please tell me. Who?

"Grandmother Moon" - Pinterest

Verliebt in die Poesie, in die Kunst und
in den kreativen Asudruck des irdischen Geistes.
Ohne Schrift sterbe ich.
Ohne Lyrik ist die Welt einfach nicht.
Ohne Musik, ohne Bewegung warum bin ich?
Ich liebe die Kunst.
Aber was ist sie?
Diese Frage zerreist mich innerlich.
Wer ist die Kunst?
Eine Göttin, oder
bloss ein stinknormaler Mensch?

Enamorada de la poesia, del arte y
de la expresión creativa de la mente terrenal.
Sin escritura me muero.
Sin el lirismo no hay mundo.
Sin música, sin moviemento ¿para qué ser?
Amo el arte.
¿Pero qué es?
Esta pregunta me desgarra por dentro.
¿Quien es Arte?
¿Una Diosa, o
simplemente un ser humano común y corriente?

Triple Training Tuesday

Cancer season. High summer (Hochsommer). Long days. Moody moon mother. Approaching New Moon. Moody Monday. Monthly female biology taking place. First day of bleeding crying liters of tears. Yearning for dead mother. Searching for memories. Remembering Alzheimer's as a slow losing, detaching, letting go. This feels spiritual somehow. Makes me think of Buddhism, Yoga, Vipassana and Zen. Mother was a philosopher, a mystic, a spiritual creature. Why remember? To cry in the present and laugh at the past? If memory serves. Why not serve the present moment instead? Anatomical onslaught massaging the entire flesh with yoga and study and dance and more yoga. And a lot of activity at home. Duties of the house like cooking, washing, rearing children, and tending to marriage/partnership demand attention. Forgetting all the bawling from the day before. Thankful for the passing of another wave. The worst is over -- when the eye-sockets make waterfalls. The bleeding will naturally follow its course. The breasts feel less heavy thanks to training and brasiers. I did feel odd with them at ballet today. Then I try not to pay attention. But the body never stops paying attention. Now I know this. So I cannot help but look again and again. Look at the breath. Feel the sensations. Becoming aware of the inner strings that hold it all together. Oh, and there are countless strings! And we (humans) try again and again to paint a picture of this magnificent, mysterious and transparent body - individually, collectively and universally. Mapping the famously little known human body that is actually well known by all. Only if you look. But don't you get caught up with it! Except when you are training for the moment. For that moment, that one instant, no matter how fleeting, that flash of all-knowing. Complete awareness of the body interwoven with the threads of time and space, of fractals and movement and stillness threading through emptiness. Complete absorption. 

Iyengar says: "Repeated effort made with a thorough understanding of the art and philosophy of yoga and with perfect communion of body, mind and soul is not a mechanical practice but a religious and spiritual one."* What does it take to understand the art and philosophy of yoga - or anything for that mattter? It takes study. To look repeatedly, to search, to practice, to remember with religious fervor. 

And it also demands detachment. Iyengar goes on to explain, that Hatha Yoga blends the forces of practice (remembering) and renunciation (forgetting). Ha, the sun, is the "life-force, the seer, the very being". Purusha? Tha, the moon, is "consciousness, the reflected light of the seer, citta" (consciousness = mind + intelligence + ego). Prakriti and the three gunas? The three fates (Greek mythology) threading the destiny of human kind? Yes, like a moody moon. Sometimes visible, sometimes gone. Hatha yoga blends these forces, which are merged in the seer (Iyengar, 2002). In order to see, one must look. And on the night of the New Moon neither moon nor sun will be seen despite their presence. Purusha, why look at all?

Because if you're not observing, you don't exist. Since you have to see to be, then might as well study yourself until you realize yourself as you really are.

Llorando a solas en compañpía, asi te veía.

In company crying alone I saw you.

In Begleitung alleine am weinen sah ich dich.

Martes de Multiples Musas

Es la temporada de cáncer. Alto verano, Hochsommer en alemán. Los días son largos y cálidos. Launische** Luna Madre. Se avecina la Luna Nueva. Cambiando de humor el lunes. Sucede la biología femenina mensual. El primer día del sangrado derramando litros de lágrimas. Añorándo a mi madre muerta. Busco memorias. Recuerdo al Alzheimer como una perdida lenta, como un proceso de soltar y dejar ir. Lo que me parece algo espiritual. Me hace pensar en el budismo, el yoga, el vipassana y el zen. Mamá fue filósofa, mística y una criatura espiritual. ¿Pa ra qué recordar? ¿Para llorar en el presente y reirse del pasado? Si te sirve la memoria. ¿Porqué no mejor servirle al momento presente? Una avalancha anatómica masajea la carne entera con el yoga, estudios, baile y más yoga. Y con muchas actividades caseras. Los deberes del hogar como cocinar, lavar, criar y cuidar del matrimonio, de la pareja demandan mucha atención. Trantando de olvidar todo el llanto del día anterior. Me siento agradecida que otra ola ha pasado. ...

*Iyengar (2002). Light on the Yoga Sutras. p.62

** launisch - alemán, que con frecuencia cambia de humor 

Human good - an end in itself

Reckless for justice
The moral drunk
With love in their heart
For humankind
defending the mistreated
and defeating the beaters
With singular resolve
Eudaemonia,
"Happiness as
the legitimate aim
of any moral action,"
so the Aristotle story goes.
Pleasure guided 
by the sobriety of reason.
The moral drunk
decides with the heart.

The Nerd Shirt

Trivers/e/o/um 66

 (Un)Useful Prayer 1
Do you know how much sperm roams the Earth?

Semen Town/ Seed City
Do you realize how much semen is walking around town? We live in a city full of semen. The whole world swims in semen. Reason for being. I am therefore from semen. Long live semen! Amen.

Oración (In)Útil 1
¿Usted sabe cuanto semen se mueve por el mundo?

La Ciudad del Semen ¿Se da usted cuenta de cuánto semen camina por las calles? Vivimos en una ciudad llena de semen. Razón de existir. Soy por el semen. ¡Que viva el semen! Amén.

Un)Taugliches Gebet 1
Wissen Sie wieviel Sperma sich auf der Erde befindet?

Samenstadt Sind sie sich darüber im klaren wieviel Samen in der Stadt herumtobt? Wir leben in einer Stadt voller Samen. Die gesamte Welt schwimmt im Samen. Der Grund für das Sein. Ich bin also vom Samen. Lang lebe der Samen! Amen

Abby Jame GIFs