I had wanted to write something down.
But I didn’t do it.
Was too tired.
Then,
I forgot.
“Not to
desire is another way to desire,” an old Alan Watts recording pronounced on the
99.9 community radio station as I started the car. “The student eventually
finds that there is no way not to desire,” the 20th century male voice
declared, as I ventured into a brand-new season at 5:30 a.m. on the first
Monday of June. First stop: Mysore Yoga. Last month feels like years ago, even
though it’s only been days. A new chapter has clearly begun. I hope.
Time seemed
eternal in May. Maybe because of the many experiences. Loads of work and
commitments, international travel, all tomorrow’s parties, much training then
none, illness, and and and… At the half-month mark, I noted:
“Flying back to my city after spending a week
in Mexico with my [deceased] mother’s family. It feels like I have been gone
for ages to another time, to another place, far away from what I’ve come to
call home. Subconscious tensions resurfaced demanding unexpected amounts of
energy. I hoped to spend time making my missing yoga videos. But my yoga mat
just went along for the ride and never left its bag. It felt so good to travel
with it on the way there. Now my stiff back and body have more of a “yoga? what
is it?” vibe. How will I reassemble myself after this intense run-in with a
very complex present past? A lot of emotions and other stuck phenomena have
reared their troubled heads. Occurrences that must be digested and dealt with. Life,
as I dream of it, is full of interruptions. God help me! For now, I am happy to
settle back into a day to day of familiarity, training, comfort. To find myself
again, whatever that means. Thank God there was also a lot of fun. Mexican
human warmth and joy for life remain unrivaled. That I will miss. Sure, I carry
the tensions and blessings with me. But it’s not the same being removed from
the cultural and familial contexts that evoke unforeseen sensations, as it is
to be smack in the middle of it all. Smack in the middle of a giant wedding
hall with hundreds of people. Dancing, laughing, sweating, loving, and failing.”
(May, 15th)
 |
| Book Club Book May 2024 |
I was suddenly
overcome by waves of lust. It was circustantial. I remembered the woman in the
book club who still experiences hormonal changes despite having had both
ovaries removed.
I guess my biological beast is still active, I thought. I came
deliciously several times. Then, thanks to his cock, I received confirmation of
the oncoming bleeding. It was the second day of the month. The new season
appears to be but a continuation of previous cycles after all. I cannot hide my
disappointment about not being fully period-free yet. About the inescapable cyclical
circus called life. And yet, nature’s female human bloody cleansing might be
just what I need right now.
On the
will to let go. On the release of phenomena.
What is it,
the will to let go? What does it look like? How does it work? What kind of
process is it? And why is it all?
Forgetting can’t be all that bad, can it? To the contrary, forgetting seems
quite natural, even necessary. The question is, what is forgotten?
Is forgetting a way of letting go? Can it happen consciously? Is it active when
a meditator becomes witness to the arising and passing of changing phenomena? Can
releasing, if it is going to happen either way, at least, be accompanied by
consciousness? Where does this lead? Is this how Buddhist, Vipassana, Yoga, Zen
and Samadhi masters die?
How is consciousness changed by the process of forgetting and letting go?
Thus,
rendering forgetting, letting go, and releasing as a change in perception, as
opposed to a loss per se? Until death do us part from the body, of course! Death
an act which separates “consciousness” from the physical universe as it was experienced
through the physical body. So, death is not the end of consciousness per se, is
it?
Buddhist
philosophy speaks of a subtle consciousness, which is said to transcend the physical
world. A subtle consciousness, spiritual in nature. What is spiritual? That
which lies beyond the physical universe? Is there a spiritual universe? What is
it like? One can hardly exist without the other, can it? I think of the Samkhya
philosophy Purusha-Prakriti axis, the perceiver-perceived dynamic. It would
follow that, if universes are entwined, a physical world would be sufficient proof
of a spiritual one. Even a non-universe is a universe in so far as it exists as
the negation (absent?) of the affirmation (present). Where phenomena inter-are,
separation seems futile.
However, the
release of phenomena (i.e. feelings, sensations, emotions, ideas, thoughts,
experiences, juices, subjects, objects, time, et cetera…) is inevitable. It’s
natural. The brain has not the cognitive capacity to store each and every
impression. Nor does the body. It is biologically impossible to hold on to
every instant lived. Life needs to be processed, and part of this process is
releasing, letting go, and forgetting. But then, how did we evolve with such
precision? Well, not precise enough to avoid self-extinction. The good must be
remembered and reinforced. Thus, the search for wisdom. Thus, tradition and
scripture. Thus, transmission and repetition.
Buddhism
talks about the longevity of impressions upon the mind (which I consider to be
very much physical, and thus, subject to limitations). Buddhism talks about a
subtle mind that transcends physicality, taking consciousness beyond the
embodied. I struggle making sense of this from an inescapably incarnate perspective.
Geshe Kelsang Gyatso*: “The mind is neither physical, nor a
by-product of physical processes, but is a formless continuum that is a
separate entity from the body.”
The Nexistentialist: “Is the mind manifested in the nervous
system? Why would mind not be physical when incarnate? Even if mind is
not-physical per se, it appears to have manifested a physical version of
itself, has it not? At this time, we are bodies perceiving ourselves and the
world. Is this mind?” (May 28th, 2024)
G.K.G.: “When the body disintegrates at death, the mind does
not cease. Although our superficial conscious mind ceases, it does so by dissolving
into a deeper level of consciousness, the very subtle mind.” (May 29th)
“The continuum of the very subtle mind has no beginning and no end. It is this mind that, when thoroughly purified, transforms into the omniscient mind of a Buddha.”
T. Nex: “Is the subtle mind collective consciousness? Is it
a quantum phenomenon? How can it be non-physical at all in a physical universe?”
(May, 30th)
The questions remain open. G.K.G. went on to speak of the seeds
sewn in the mind and their germination, ripening and effects over the course of
several lifetimes.
Why do I entertain all these foolish notions? Because I can’t
help myself. I must philosophize. I don’t know why. It’s like being in love. In
love with wisdom? A philosopher who seeks the wise in awe with life. Who plays in
the realm of beyond, searching for what’s good and true.
As I float along, lost in an abstract carnival of thought
waves. Some concrete. Others vague. Feelings, not thoughts. As the waves of
perception vary. Vrittis**. As I seek a way out of my nexistential chaos, I
look to a deity for escape.
Maybe Hanuman. Maybe Saint Solitaire – or is he a devil? Who
turns me into a gambling beast! Has he been able to tame addiction? Or maybe
the Black Window Goddess, a dark and mysterious, colourful and entertaining dancer
of delight and sorrow. What deity is on the menu today? Who knows? Somebody to
take me out of my misery. Or at least distract me from it. What misery? The
inherent misery of being. A peculiar bedfellow who coexists with joy. Like darkness,
which inter-is with light.
I made it every dawn, except during the darkness of the New
Moon, to Mysore Yoga. As I practice, I gaze at him from time to time. Wilfully
unaware, ignorant of what I feel. He looks another way. And yet, I feel like Hanuman
is calling me. Will I heed the call? Or pretend like I’m not falling in love . .
.
 |
| Monterrey Monkey, Mexico, May 10th |
How does one synthesize the yogic practice of millions of seekers?
Through yoga sutras and asana systems, through traditions, rituals and
techniques containing universal knowledge turned into specific methods of transmission?
Which, when repeated faithfully, will bring forth individual wisdom. And when
shared, will continue to transmit and evoke wisdom in populations for generations
to come. Wisdom about the bodies we are and the truths these inhabit.
They say spiders are blessings for writers. Good fortune. Yoga
writes divinity onto the body. Through effort, consciousness and care.
May Good Spirit manifest through the ancient transmissions of
wisdom embedded in the script we call body!
May only the best be awakened in the natural beasts that we
are, bound by the biology of a finite planet in an ever-changing universe!
And thank God for Philosophy Sunday!
** vrtti => waves, movements, changes, functions, operations, conditions of action or conduct in consciousness (Iyengar, 2002. Light on the Yoga Sutras of Patanjali)
“presentations of the mind, mental processes” (Freeman, 2010)
*** “Dristi: Internal Gaze and Visualization” @ FreemanTaylor Yoga, May 15th, 2024.
“…when we see that all things are temporary… we are actually able to initiate a genuine inquiry into the practice of yoga, and more importantly, into a direct experience of the present moment.” (Freeman, Richard. 2010. The Mirror of Yoga – Awakening the Intelligence of Body and Mind)
T. Nex: A direct experience of the present moment might reveal the present moment extends to the past and the future as well.
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