Mourning Mastery

    To teach is to mother.

One door closes, another opens...

Feminist Karma
She felt oddly Humboldt by his brilliance.
After all, was he a genius, indeed?
Hard to believe,
as shadows and lights interweave.

 

Great change uncovers spiritual emptiness. I find nothing to lean on as all attempts to fill the hole within from without have failed … again. A spiritual void is exposed that no amount of tears can fill, that no darkness can obscure. A hole unwhole. For, what is technical purity without love – whatever that means? What is skill without kindness? What is practice without patience? What is perfection without respect? Without a devotion of the heart – whatever that means – what good is the exchange of knowledge between kin? What good is mastery without morality, without wisdom within? It is no mastery at all, regardless of skill. Wisdom is kindness, morality love – consideration, compassion, respect, honor and truth. A reality beyond the illusion of singularity and control. Isn’t that what Patanjali’s Eight Limbs of Yoga seek to teach, the importance of wisdom as a foundation to practice, knowledge and skill? Through the first two limbs, the yamas and niyamas, representing an ethical foundation upon which a physiological practice can be established in pursuit of healthy everyday living. Wisdom makes mastery, not the perfection of a particular set of skills through practicing techniques, no matter how sophisticated these may be. What good are knowledge and technology without kindness, compassion, cooperation, appreciation and love?

Not unlike the Biblical commandments, the yogic “controls” or “restraints” encompass ten recommendations:

1. nonviolence, non-harming (ahimsa)

2. truth (satya) / being truthful in one’s thoughts, speech and actions

3. non-stealing (asteya)

4. pure conduct (brahmacharya) / stay true to one’s [highest/purest/best] Self [i.e. chastity, cleanliness, humility, sobriety, meditation, life-style choices conducive to the pursuit of sacred knowledge and spiritual liberation]

5. non-grasping, non-possessiveness (aparigraha) [i.e. don’t exercise the type of greed or avarice where one’s own material gain or happiness comes by hurting, killing or destroying other human beings, life forms or nature] (Is eating transforming, not destroying? When is the pursuit of food not killing nor hurting?)

6. purity, cleanliness, clearness (shaucha) / purity of mind, speech and body

7. complete contentment, [unconditional] satisfaction, [radical] acceptance (santosha) / an experience of contentment/acceptance based in wisdom and duty, not just feeling good superficially [i.e. freedom from craving and aversion, desire and rejection]

8. burning self-discipline, existential warmth, vital heat (tapas)* / asceticism, penance, rigorous practice

9. self-study (svahyaya) / observation, introspection, study of self and sacred texts /“one’s own reading, lesson”; sva = own, self, the human soul, adhyaya = lesson, lecture, chapter, reading

10. focus on, endeavor for, attendance and surrender to a power beyond oneself [i.e. God/dess, True Self, Unchanging Reality etc.] (ishvarapranidhana) / realizing Purusha / Steps 2, 3 and 11 “Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.” , “Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God/dess as we understood Them.” and “Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God/dess as we understood Them, praying only for knowledge of Their will for us and the power to carry that out.”

* * * * *

Pessimism washes over me as I lean into the suffering that overtakes brain function. The Three of Swords Tarot card comes to mind. It depicts a heart pierced by three swords. The swords in Tarot generally represent thoughts or mental energy. By contrast, feelings are usually represented by the cups, logically, as they hold water. And water is usually associated with emotions, imagine a vast and largely unconscious ocean of feelings. Except, in the Alchemical Tarot deck, fire is feelings, represented by the staffs (or wands). The vessels (water) represent intuition instead. Feelings can burn indeed. The coins (or pentacles in other decks) represent the earth element, sensations. Swords (air) remain thinking. Thus, I could conclude that it is thinking which pierces my heart with suffering. Is that why there is such an emphasis in conquering the mind in various arts, such as Yoga, Buddhism and Zen?

I thought my life was going well. Little did I know that it was about to get put upside down. The first sign arrived when I had a falling out with a great master, who made me feel unwelcome, stupid and small. It was especially painful to feel dismissed by a genius whom I admired. But I don’t believe in genius anymore. And I didn’t go back. At first, I missed his magic and mastery, the anatomical and biomechanical yogic teachings which had become part of my body, as a result of the many years I studied with him. I was physically better off under his wing. But my disappointment was so great that I haven’t even had the courage to read his apology letter, though it’s been months. Will I ever? Perhaps I must forgive him. What’s the cost-benefit ratio of that? Pride and foolishness versus art and solid skills…???

Feminist Train
Apheida: Lost a great master. Can feel the effects of the lack of his regular lessons, his guided mind-body-maintenance routine. What is a seeker to do without mastery?
Ruphus:  Catch another train. Any train. But train!

I can imagine Vipassana Master S.N. Goenka saying: “Observe, Child! Only observe the sensations. How long will they last? A day, a week, a month or years? Who knows! Just observe until they pass.”

How long will I not read the letter? Would it be enough to sooth a pierced heart? Would the uncomfortable sensations dissolve on their own? Will I ever stand before him face to face again? Moments did arise when I felt that I could use a good dose of his rehabilitating physical class. Moments that passed. Now, I question the entire notion of mastery. Also, because another teacher, who I considered master of his art, managed to belittle my efforts repeatedly. It stops being fun to train with a trainer who makes you feel bad.

I realized, as I was teaching a large group of students for an extended period, how important professional kindness is, at least, if not genuine kindness. Things like respect and appreciation of a very basic human kind. It’s not easy, humans are complex. But for a teacher, professional kindness towards their students is key. Seekers look up to their teachers for better or worse. Masters and Mistresses have an obligation to be wise, and wisdom begins with kindness. Anything less is not mastery at all. Regardless of that, it is a teacher’s duty to be kind to their students. One can be strict, demanding, disciplined, blatantly honest AND kind. I was bullied and mistreated by my students, but I showed up in the classroom for each and every one of them regardless, without discrimination or distinction in the context of what they were there to learn from me as their teacher.

* * * * *

Many painful signs of an inevitable and irreversible great change followed. It has become clear to me that I cannot escape my nomadic destiny. I had a dream…

Love Thy Neighbour Yoga. Look unto your neighbor with kindness and love!

This dream must now wait. I can’t help but wonder, will it ever even be?!

We decided to move back to Switzerland. Detaching from a life we love for the sake of an unpromised future.

Hope that Hurts

Land on both sides of the Atlantic has sparrows.
Philosophy appears to thrive amidst the Alpine narrows.
I fell in love with the Wasatch wilds instead.
But like I said,
I cannot escape my destiny, my gypsy blood.
Regardless of what feelings my heart may flood.
I’ve never spent more than seven years in a place.
Life has always found a way to rip off anew my face.
Twice, I’ve claimed “Now is forever!”
Only to be proven unclever.
I shan’t make such claims no more!
For,
Life with its challenging changes is stronger at the core.
Stronger than I’ll ever be.
Poor mother, me!

During the first summer in this house, my current home, I spent a lot of time in the backyard. This summer, now the last one, I might do the same. Perhaps, during the summers in between I spent too much time inside or away. Life is funny that way. How naïve I’ve lived. Forever does not exist. I so hoped to spend the rest of my life in one place. Maybe one day. We do want to come back after a few years. But who knows what f*cking destiny will dictate. Sometimes I hate being a secretary. Maybe one day I’ll be da boss! But I know better now than to have any expectations. 

And still, I think about Vivekananda. (Sorry I kind of made fun of you the other day, in a loving way.) And I think about Buddha and suffering. And I attach my yearning to some desire. The desire to be understood … philosophically. Which is probably why I attach genius and mastery to teachers and harvest hurt when the connection breaks.

My borderline ascetic willingness to give up everything has come through on several occasions. What is the suffering of letting go compared to the suffering of holding on?

Can I remember the old master’s lessons? Will I be able to read the transmitted body scripture? Ok, that’s redundant because scripture is inherently given by someone who writes. Scripture is inherently a transmission, organic or otherwise. Tradition is shared. No scripture, no tradition, and for that matter no culture exists without sharing. Thus, kindness is key. Cooperation, compassion and communication are of utmost importance.

Cow (pose) is a gut-hang, cow-tits hang low and bend the bottom torso. But a human woman’s tits are held high, where the cat (pose) bends, creating opposing forces, gravitational tits-pull vs. upward thoracic push.

Yoga finds you. Could it be true? Yogins are seekers, sadhakas. Is yoga search force? Exploration, observation… What are we looking for? What are we looking at?

Why is so much yogic gazing, Drishti, focused towards the naval? Because humans are born there?

On Instagram, The Modern Yogis’ Community account posted the following interesting perspective:

“Yoga finds those who are ready for guidance to spread light in this world, selflessly… Yoga did not arrive as a choice; it emerged as a calling.”

 

 

* “Tapas is based on the root Tap (तप्) meaning "to heat, to give out warmth, to shine, to burn". The term evolved to also mean "to suffer, to mortify the body, undergo penance" in order to "burn away past karma" and liberate oneself. The term Tapas means "warmth, heat, fire".

The meaning of the word evolves in ancient Indian literature. The earliest discussions of tapas, and compound words from the root tap relate to the heat necessary for biological birth. Its conceptual origin is traced to the natural wait, motherly warmth and physical "brooding" provided by birds such as a hen upon her eggs - a process that is essential to hatching and birth. The Vedic scholars used mother nature's example to explain and extend this concept to the hatching of knowledge and spiritual rebirth.

Some of the earliest reference of tapas, and compound words from the root tap is found in many ancient Hindu scriptures, including the Ŗig Veda (10.154.5), Shatapatha Brahmana (5.3 - 5.17), and Atharva Veda (4.34.1, 6.61.1, 11.1.26). In these texts, tapas is described as the process that led to the spiritual birth of ṛṣis - sages of spiritual insights. The Atharva Veda suggests all the gods were tapas-born (tapojās), and all earthly life was created from the sun's tapas (tapasah sambabhũvur). In the Jāiminiya-Upanisad Brāhmaņa, life perpetuates itself and creates progeny by tapas, a process that starts with sexual heat.

Sanskrit tapasyā (neuter gender), literally "produced by heat", refers to a personal endeavor of discipline, undertaken to achieve a goal. One who undertakes tapas is a Tapasvin. The fire deity in Hinduism, Agni, is central to many Hindu rituals such as yajna and homa. Agni is considered an agent of heat, of sexual energy, of incubation; Agni is considered a great tapasvin.

The word tapasvi refers to a male ascetic or meditator, while tapasvinī to a female.” - Wikipedia