Geyser

I didn't get dressed for the mat, I got dressed for the desk. I got on the mat anyway. One Sun Salutation. It's better than nothing. One step in the desired direction. But I wonder, as self-doubt lingers suspiciously, will a second step be possible tomorrow or will self-sabotage win again? The goal at the moment is clear: one step a day on the mat, every day, whatever it is.
But I'm afraid. Afraid to fail alone. Afraid to be my own worst enemy. As my body aches and my self-esteem is shit. Too old. Too ugly. Too stiff. Unfit, unable, incapable, never enough...
The subconscious geysers of negative complexes bubble up daily and create a backdrop of disheartening noise. The sulfuric stench of self-loathing becomes an inescapable part of the inner landscape. Can I learn to love it, too?
Unconscious waters, so colorful and clear, reveal truths that are hard to conceal. Truths that burn with acid aches. Why dip my limbs in them, poisonous as I know they are?
Thus, I become too much to bear for myself and exit reveries arise. But exit how and exit where? The human landscape has so much to bear. I must do my duty and keep trying. A philosophical duty to try for the sake of humanity. Why not? If I'm going to be a dumbass looser about it, might as well lose while trying...