Riddle of the Queer Engineer

Lady Harlot who invented 

ages ago and never lamented
the head board
was a queer engineer.

None of the men 

she fucked knew what
went on in her head.
They had sex with Lady Harlot instead.
Oh, and she loved her bed!
Which she gripped with her hands by the board
As her body with multiplied pleasure roared
Holding on tight as her flesh took flight
And her mind through wild paradise soared.

Asylum 3

Fire broke glass today.
Who puts two matches
in a moribund candle
enclosed in cold glass?
One of absent mind does.

Scherben bringen Glück Frauenstück!

Tonino Carotone - Me Cago En El Amor [Official Music Video]

Cansancio de amar / Love tired / Liebesmüde

 Entonces ¿qué es amar?
¡Buddha, Jesús, Alguién! 
¿Existe alternativa al amor
cual tenga su dulzura
Pero no su dolor?

So what is loving?
Buddha, Jesus, Somebody!
Is an alternative to love in vain
that has its sweetness
But not its pain?

Was ist denn Lieben?
Buddha, Jesus, Jemand!
Ist eine Alternative zur Liebe
mit Anmut aber ohne Schmerz
bloss ein Scherz?
________________

Love, but a silly affliction? I'd rather be afflicted with depression than other human ills. But to be afflicted with love? Show me a sage that has the courage to eat out of the spoon of love and spit in its face. I'll tell you who. All of you! All baby humans do. And it doesn't matter. Because it, too, simply is not where everything isn't. No, in love everything is! So is desire, yearning, longing, clinging, dreaming. Can love be enlightenend? Do humans grow tired of loving because of its link to suffering? You want to blame the self for suffering? Blame love! Ambiguous notion wreaking havoc in the mind. Love is death. None who love remain untouched by transformation, immune to loss of self. Love launches the self into perdition in the most irresistible and inescapable of ways. Existential loops of loving reaping countless bodies millenium after millenium. Evolution being the greatest lover of all. Love is exactly that which we will all experience. All that we fools have incaranted to experience. God help us all! God save us from love with an even greater love, the greatest love ever experienced! Be born and find yourself clinging to love. Wrapped in its arms. Find yourself in its unavoidable grip. And suffer with it. Welcome to the greatest show on Earth! Welcome to the existential carnival of love!
"Fuckin' and fightin' it's all the same. Living with Louie Dog's the only way to stay sane." (What I Got -Sublime)

Warrior / Krieger / Guerrero 1

 Wave of Sorrow

Soldier stood there
Legs apart
Arms dropped
Hands folded in the back

Stoic stance
Tears flooding 
The face melting
Torso trembling

Scarred
by the emotional chemicals
of war.

 Kummerwelle

Soldat:in stand da
Beine auseinander
Arme gefallen
Hände hinter dem Rücken gefaltet

Ein stoischer Stand
Tränen überfluten
Das Gesicht schmilzt
Der Rumpf zittert

Kampferprobt
durch die seelischen Gifte
des Krieges.

 Ola de Tormento

Soldad@ ahí parad@
Las piernas separadas
Los brazos caidos
Las manos detras de la espalda dobladas

Su postura estóica
Lágrimas inundan
La cara que se derrite
El pecho tiembla

Cicatrizad@
por los químicos emocionales
de la guerra.

Chiron

While being immortal Chiron suffered a painful, incurable wound. When he sacrificed his immortality he was delivered from his torment.
I think of the immortal soul sacrificing (temporarily) its immortality to incarnate (a body capable of experiencing pain and suffering), and wonder: Is the answer to suffering in the suffering itself? But how?
Could Chiron represent the journey of the incarnating soul who suffers in the body it inhabits while also still being an immortal soul? Does the sacrifice of its immortality represent the experience of death as deliverance from a life-specific wound? And to what extent does the soul carry a wound from experience to experience, thus making its suffering apparently eternal?
Does Chiron teach that suffering can be relieved through sacrifice? What does this sacrifice represent? In the story he sacrifices his immortality. Does this represent the sacrifice of the soul itself? Is this a zen-like reference to living in the moment? Before enlightenment fetch water, chop wood, after enlightenment fetch water, chop wood. Is the same true for suffering? So the sacrifice of immortality as in death, as in perpetual transformation, as in constant change from moment to moment, as in the law of impermanence. The sacifice of immortality in the recognition of the law of impermanence. That suffering, too, is a changing phenomenon, subject to the law of impermanence.
I believe that the apparently eternal wound can be healed.
Chiron teaches me that healing personal wounds does not occur by healing others.
My wounds are a great challenge in creativity. Also a lesson in patience with and love towards my own vulnerability.

Skin Tag

She went in for a breast exam to check out a lump beneath the left nipple. The female physician examined her right breast for reference and exclaimed surprised with a tone of delight, “Ah, there’s a skin tag on the right nipple!” “Yes,” replied the woman lying down. “Appeared after my second child, who breast fed until she was five.” The doctor and nurse raised their eyebrows. “She knew how to suck full force down to empty," the woman continued. "I'd lay down and have holes where my breasts would be hollow.” Skin draping like two-dimensional cloth over the rib cage. The tag didn’t bother her because it held a dear story. Did the lump in her breast have a story, too? She wondered. At the end of the day, all stories lead to death anyway, even that of skin tag.

Psi 1

One morning in the asylum

Smoothie in bed Breakfast in the living room chair Coffee and Cinnamon Cake Grey rainy spring day Snow on the mountains Depressed Hot candle-lit bath Salt and sweat Music Movement Poetry Sex Salt, Rain and Sweat Satisfaction Still depressed

Una mañana en la frenopática

Granizado en la cama
Desayuno en el sillón de la sala Café y pan de canela Un día gris de primavera Hay nieve en las montañas Deprimida Baño caliente con velas Sal y sudor Música Moviemiento poesía Sexo Sal, lluvia y sudor Satisfacción Sigo deprimida

Eines Morgens im Heim

Smoothie im Bett
Frühstück auf dem Wohnzimmersitz Kaffee und Zimtkuchen Ein grauer Frühlingstag Es liegt Schnee auf den Bergen Bin deprimiert Heisses Bad im Kerzenlicht Salz und Schweiss Musik Bewegung Lyrik Sex Salz, Regen und Schweiss Befriedigung Immernoch deprimiert

Platonic Rausch* (New Moon in Aries)

Who retells stories so well that they linger for many millenia? Are these stories even true?

Philosophy doesn’t merely happen outside the cave in the light of day. Nay, philosophy happens already in the cave, where it is not a world of shadows cast by anonymous flames, but light shining forth from within each existential prisoner (human being).

Philosophy has often historically appeared to me as something Bohemian, a Rausch affordable to those with “time to think”, the leisure of surrounding oneself with certain creaturely comforts, like furniture, garments, pillows, scriptures, servants, art and so forth. Philosophy, a thing for the privileged enlightened souls who become liberated….

Liberated from the woes of the cave? Liberated from the woes of the day. Nay, philosophy is always happening, in broad daylight (land, air, surface water etc) as in the “darkest” cave (deep ocean, subterranean earth, mountain holes, human souls). The stars become alight in the cave in the form of organic shapes painted by eyes of fire. What about the atoms of light everywhere, and the shadows of atoms in light? Yin Yang anyone? Is there such a thing as “pure” light (Heaven) or no shadows (Nirvana)? For there to be shadows, there must be light. Is light not a matter of the physical world after all? What lies beyond light, darkenss and shadows is what I want to know. Beyond inside and outside galactic, terrestrial and existential caves. What awaits the seeker who makes it there?

But why listen to this proletarian-bougie turn-of-the-twenty-first-century sexually mature middle-aged woman posing as a contemporary philospher? One who suffers from ADHDD - Attenteion Deficit Hyperactivity Depressive Disorder. To use contemporary terminology...

Biological Context

I've been bleeding periodically for 30 years. My first blood dropped when I was twelve. For decades now my body with moonthly imprecision will oscillate between creation and destruction. It builds up matter for growing a temporary organ to build entire organisms and in a matter of days destroys the whole damn thing and expulses it violently, bloodily from myself. To then hyperactively rebuild and seek with sexual and other sensual impulses fertil ground. To then depress in the heaviness and flow of the lightest and darkest of blood. And this in a matter of weeks every month for decades. Again and again and again and again. A short-interval long-term pendulum swinging between uppity creative energy and intense inevitable destructive force.

I'm obviously ovulating now. How fitting for the beginning of spring with a New Moon in Aries. I am afflicted with every-man-could-make-me-turn-my-head energy. Sure, homosexuality and bisexuality might arouse me. But there is nothing in the world that fascinates me more than men, drawing me in with a magnetic force unrivaled by reason. Particularly those of my generation, kindred men. I seek to see them, know them, only to never fully understand them and remain a woman lost in the exhilarating beauty of their mystery. I am convinced this is a biological disposition of the wise and foolish organism I inahbit. This biological context must be further explored. In the meantime, a shorty I wrote a while back, an ode to men:

Imagined Joy I saw a half-naked runner as I drove the children to their class but I felt too depressed to care. Then I thought: "Better look at him than feel the shit pain." As I glanced back at him he appeared to touch his face self-consciously. "Why run around like that and expect not to get looked at?" I wondered compulsively. I would have loved to see his cock and balls bounce around as he ran.

Psychological Context

I grew up with an alcoholic father who loved to hate me. A mother who adored me as a mirculous first-born because she had lost two children before. I was hugging whiskey and cognac bottles before I had learned to crawl in smokey appartments rubbing cigarettes and tobacco between my baby hands. Got drunk for the first time when I was five. ... I just thought of a meme I saw recently, which states: "Ah, the 80s... when a kid would blow our their birthday candles over top of an ashtray, a foot away from an open beer, while someone held a lit cigar next to their face."

Now I must abruptly conclude this unfinished post. Motherly and domestic duties abound. Later, ballet. Body-mind entering a new phase in mid-life transformational development through study and training. More on this later.

To be continued ...

Thank you New Moon in Aries for the vibes of initiation, initiative, assertive action and brutal honesty!

*Rausch - German for frenzy, intoxication, rapture, exhilaration, rush ...

turn-of-the-21st-century

what is this? when is it?

measured by the turns of the sun, moon and planets
or measured by the turns of the seasons or 
measured by the cycles of birth, death and rebirth?
or measured in stories retold?

because digits can accumulate
and constitute a wheel of common existence
with fractal implications (change, evolution, growth, expansion, retraction, life-death).

2 times 1000 and then some
according to an agrarian socalled Gregorian calendar
measured in years, sun cycles,
and months, moon cycles,
and days, Earth cycles,
and eons, galactic cycles.

year 0 marks the between a before and after,
marked by an important event
according to socalled Abrahamic human culture,
said to constitute a particular birth,
to a woman, Mary, born a man,*
a Jesus of Nazareth made Christ.

2 thousand and twenty three years later,
these calculations have become the lingua franca of time...

but really, 

what's in a date?

*inpsired by Best Lead Actress Michelle Yeoh at the 2023 Oscar Academy Awards Show in her acceptance speech: "I have to dedicate this [ Oscar award for best lead actress] to my mom, all the moms in the world because they are really the super heros and without them none of us [would] be here tonight."

Dionysius I

Porn star: It takes skill to fuck like that. Practice makes porn!

Pornostar: Es bedarf der Kunstfertigkeit um so zu ficken. Übung macht den Porno!

Estrella pornográfica: Requiere habilidad coger asi. ¡La práctica hace la pornografía!

Why not? Warum nicht? ¿Porqué no?

If porn is born out of human sexuality, sensuality, and the joy of orgasms... I mean, why else evolve the capacity for orgasms to begin with?  ... Then why villify sexuality, sensuality and multiple orgasms as if it were not naturally human? Why make it taboo and ill seeking clandestine distortions? Why not celebrate sensuality and sexuality openly under the sun? Then we might no longer encounter malaise, abuse and perversion in the dark. Pagan versus Christian? Why make repressive distinctions when nature will never be tamed by sheer reason? No, it takes patience, compassion, study and practice to navigate nature's fractal multiverse with joy, communion and peace. Let them consenting adults fornicate freely out of the life-loving impulse which manifests like mature grapes make wine. With dizzying consequences, dancing and dangling balls of fun. Because life is to be enjoyed to be made. Peace and joy is a mortal creature's most burning desire. Why else evolve to such a sensual manifestation of creative and experimental life force? May genuine sensuality thrive in peaceful and joyful communion!

Wenn wir Porno der Gebärmutter der menschlichen Sinnlichkeit, Sexualität, und des Genusses vieler Orgasmen zu verdanken haben... Ich meine, warum soll frau sonst die Fähigkeit zu Orgasmen überhaupt entwickelt haben? ... Dann warum es zu einem Tabu machen das krankhaft verborgenen Verfälschungen hinterher irrt? Warum nicht Sinnlichkeit und Sexualität offen im Tageslicht feiern? Dann würden uns vielleicht keine Malaise, Missbrauch und Perversion im Dunkeln mehr begegnen. Heidin oder Christin? Warum unterdrückende Verzerrungen anrichten, wenn doch die Natur niemals durch den Verstand allein gezähmt werden wird? Nein, es sind Geduld, Mitgefühl, Lehre und Übung von Nöten, um das fraktale Multiversum der Natur mit Freude, Gemeinschaft und Frieden zu navigieren. Lasset einwilligende Erwachsene mit Freiheit ficken, aus diesem lebensliebenden Impuls heraus, der sich offenbart wie aus reifen Trauben Wein wird. Mit schwindelerregenden Folgen, Tänzen und baumelnden Bällen reinsten Vergnügens. Weil das Leben genossen werden will und gemacht zu werden. Frieden und Freude sind der Sterblichen sehnlichstes Verlangen. Warum denn sonst solch eine sinnliche Gestalt von schöpferischer und experiementeller Lebenkraft erschaffen? Möge unverfälschte Sinnlichkeit in friedlicher und fröhlicher Gemeinschaft gedeihen!

"Weibliche Sexialität und Lust" SRF Dok 29.7.21@Youtube : "Das finanzielle Geschäft mit Sex war lange den Männern vorbehalten, Frauen spielten im wahrsten Sinne des Wortes nur eine untergeordnete Rolle. Hat die Enttabuisierung der weiblichen Sexualität und Lust auch in die Pornografie Einzug gehalten und gibt es überhaupt feministische Pornografie?

Doch was kennzeichnet feministische Pornografie überhaupt? Erika Lust ist eine der wenigen weiblichen Pornoregisseurinnen. Schon als junge Frau störte sich die Schwedin, die seit über 20 Jahren in Barcelona lebt, an der stereotypen Darstellung von Frauen und Männern in Pornofilmen. Dem wollte sie entgegenwirken und drehte bereits als Studentin ihren ersten feministischen Porno “The Good Girl”. Mit so viel Erfolg, dass die Unternehmerin heute mit Lust Productions rund 40 Mitarbeiter*innen beschäftigt und regelmäßig für ihr Schaffen ausgezeichnet wird. Schnell wird klar: Erika Lust, welche sich selbst als “Indie Adult Film Maker” bezeichnet, macht einiges anders als die Mainstream-Pornografie. Sie arbeitet beinahe ausschließlich mit Frauen und fördert mit diversen Projekten die Teilnahme von Frauen am Dialog über Sexualität und Pornografie, zum Beispiel, indem sie Fantasien ihres Publikums verfilmt. Ihre Darsteller:innen behandelt und bezahlt sie fair und schafft ein Arbeitsklima, in dem niemand über seine Grenzen hinaus zu etwas gezwungen wird. Sie dreht Pornos mit einer großen Vielfalt von Menschen, von Protagonist:innen der LGBTQ-Szene bis hin zu Erotikfilmen für Senior:innen. Und: sie versucht eine selbstbestimmte Form weiblicher Sexualität zu zeigen. Wird diese Art der Sexualität und Pornografie den Anliegen des Feminismus also gerecht? Innerhalb der feministischen Bewegung bleibt dieses Thema umstritten. Die Autorin und PorNo-Aktivistin Gail Dines ist überzeugt, dass Pornografie per se nicht feministisch sein kann und dass Erika Lusts Filme automatisch frauenfeindlich sind. Weitere Einblicke in die Welt der weiblichen Lust ermöglicht Laura Méritt. Sie ist Gründerin des ersten deutschen Sexshops für Frauen und Veranstalterin des ersten feministischen Porno-Awards «PorYes». Zu Besuch in ihrer Wohnung über den Dächern Berlins erklärt sie, woran man gute feministische Pornos erkennt und welche Visionen sie als Unternehmerin im Sex-Geschäft verfolgt."

Link to a Swiss documentary "Female Sexuality and Lust" quote: "The financial business with sex was for a long time an affair for men, women literally played but a subservient role. Has the removal of taboos from female sexuality and lust found its way into pornography and is there even such a thing as feminist pornography?

But what even characterizes feminist pornography? Erika Lust is one of the few porn directresses. Already as a young woman the Swede, who's been living in Barcelona for over 20 years, felt annoyed by the stereotypical portrayal of women and men in porn flicks. She wanted to thwart this and as a college student filmed her first feminist porn "The Good Girl". With so much success, that the entrepreneuse today employs with Lust Productions about 40 staff and regularly receives awards for her work.

It quickly becomes clear: Erika Lust, who calls herself an "Indie Adult Film Maker", does a lot differently than mainstream pronography. She works almost exclusively with women and promotes with a variety of projects the participation of women in the dialogue about sexuality and pornography, for example, by cinematizing the fantasies of her audience. She treats and pays her performers decently and creates a work atmosphere in which nobody is forced to go beyond their boundaries. She shoots porn with a great variety of people, from protagonists from the LGBTQ scene to erotic films for seniors. And: she tries to show a self-determined form of female sexuality.
So does this type of sexuality and pornography do justice to the concerns of feminism? Within the feminist movement this subject matter remains controversial. The author and PorNo activist Gail Dines is convinced that pronography per se cannot be feminist and that Erika Lust's movies are automatically misogynistic.
Another look into the world of female lust is made possible by Laura Méritt. She is founder of the first German sexshop for women and organiser of the first feminist porn awards "PorYes". While visiting her apartment over the roofs of Berlin, she explains how to recognize good feminist porn and what visions she chases as an entrepreneuse in the sex business."